A short story inspired by The Three Billy Goats Gruff, and Neil Gaiman’s Masterclass on Storytelling

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Although the Troll had been unsettled by her interaction with Bill Gruff, as the weeks passed she returned to her usual routine and forgot all about the rude business-goat. One morning, the Troll was fast asleep in her warm little bed when she was startled to awake to the sound of thunder. She sat straight up and looked toward the ceiling, clutching the coverlet to her bosom. She didn’t have to wait long until there was another boom from above. It was violent enough that it shook her whole room. Only this was rhythmic thunder: Boom-Boom, Boom-Boom, Boom-Boom. As she pondered this curious thunder, she observed a crack beginning to form on her ceiling. Eyes wide as saucers, the Troll realized what was happening and leaped out of bed. She grabbed her robe and slippers and dashed outside with curlers still in her hair.

Frantic, the Troll cried out, “Who is up there trip-trapping on my roof?!?”

When she reached the top, she discovered the largest goat she had ever seen. He was wearing an impeccably tailored suit that gleamed in the morning sun, rivaled only by his massive, polished horns. He stood there on the roof, deliberately stroking the great, long beard that draped gracefully down his chest. He slowly twisted his muscular neck toward the distressed troll as she sputtered, “Please! You’re much too large to be up here! You’re damaging my home!”

“Ms. Troll,” the humongous goat said in a deep bass voice, “That is the least of your troubles.”

He handed her an official looking document and one word at the top jumped out at her: Summons. She quickly scanned the court order, trying to comprehend all the legal terms, but before she had a chance to grasp what it all meant, she was interrupted.

“You’ve been served.” The pompous goat curled the sides of his mouth into a satisfied grin.

“B-but I haven’t done anything wrong!” The Troll exclaimed.

“Save it for the judge, ma’am.” The goat said dismissively. He paused and pretended to inspect his manicured hooves. “That is…unless you’d like to settle out of court.”

“Settle what?!” The Troll was becoming exasperated.

The huge goat’s expression became serious. “It is my understanding that you threatened my client.”

The Troll pleaded, “There has to be some sort of mistake. I’m not that kind of troll!”

The goat shook his head. He glanced at the Troll’s modest home and then back at the Troll. “I can see that you’re not a Troll of means. Going to court can be very expensive. Take my advice and settle out of court.” 

He looked at the Troll, feigning pity, and handed her his business card. It read:

William G. Gruff, Esq
Attorney at Law
Gruff, Gruff & Gruff, LLC

The Troll could feel the heat rising in her face. Time and time again, she had maintained her composure. She had been polite. She had been reasonable. But now, she felt pushed beyond her limits.

“MIS-TER Guff!” she shrieked. “This is my HOME. All I want is to be left ALONE. And if you think I’m going to SETTLE with you rude, greedy, disrespectful bucks, then you have another thing COMING!”

With that the Troll tore William G. Gruff, Esq’s business card into shreds and tossed the pieces at him like confetti.

The formidable goat stood very still and blinked his downcast eyes, glancing at the tiny shreds of paper lying between him and the Troll. Then he looked up and into the Troll’s eyes. He took a step toward her. And then another. He was no longer blinking. As he moved closer to the Troll, his sheer size seemed more threatening. Finally, his nose was no more than an inch away from the Troll’s. He towered over her and said quietly, “I’m going to crush you in court.”

Then he snorted, which caused the Troll to flinch. She could feel the tears beginning to form in her eyes, and not knowing what else to do, she rushed down the stairs to her house, and locked the door behind her. Then she sank to the floor and sobbed.

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